"Roller Coaster Of Emotions"

What a week this has been..A roller coaster of emotions running through me..Some good, some bad, some in between..My thoughts haunt me day and night..I can't seem to get away from them...No matter where or who I turn to..The situations and circumstances of my life only grow bigger... I ask myself why do I let these "little petty" things bother me..I hide them on the inside and I don't let anyone see..I feed them to the flame that consumes all!
(My God,My Lord,My Savior)..He listens and wants us to love him with all our minds,with all our hearts,and with all our souls...I sit in a crowded room full of laughter and "fake" smiles..It is just a temporary hiding ground from the battle that is taking place within...A quick summary woud help.... I am (in general) confused..I don' t know where I am surpose to go in my life..I stand here... And I have two paths to take to choice from..I don't really have a clue as of which I should take..I know what I want..but I don't know if that is for the best..I guess only time will show and tell. If there is one thing that I don't like in my life..it is "Drama"..I don't like the feeling of people playing people against each other! And the worst part is "LIEING"!!! I consider myself an honest person..I don't like when people lie to me..So, out of the same respect... I will not lie to them..Even if the truth hurts, and it changes your friendship..It has to be said and done..I could not live with myself (everyday) knowing that I have to hide my feelings.. and keep them locked and buried deep within my heart and soul..I will express out in the open my views and beliefs...We all.. each as individuals influence others that bounce in and out of our busy, complicated lives... I ask God to give me the strength to be bold and humble enough to accomplish this task that is at hand..I know he is the solid foundation....I need to build upon that..There I will strongly stand!

"What I Do Have That I Should Be Thankful For"

Well, where should I start...Does it really have a beginning and end? I guess right where I am now will have to do... I sit here in class..I am thankful for a free education..but how do I show it? I sit here and type on a laptop..What does that say about the character of me? I guess if you are reading this..you would think what a lazy, crazy girl..Well, who are you to judge? My life now is like a whirlwind...kind of like a slinky...you stretch and stretch until you can't pull any more..Then you let it go and it goes back and forth..that is like my life now (highs and lows)...but yet I am still thankful for all I do have..I have so many qualities that out weigh the bad..I am humble, compassionate, trustworthy, loyal, and "most important".. I strive to please our Lord and Savior (Jesus Christ)..He knows that I am not perfect(because to be perfect means to be complete)and we can not be complete until we are covered by the blood Christ!..I have my flaws that I must deal with on a daily basis. We would not be human if that was not the case..I am thankful for my family that gives me strength..I have to think about my brothers and sister..So, I can set a foundation for our future success! I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly..There are some who don't have anything but what people give them..I am glad that I have an intelligent mind to think clearly and rationally so I will not end up like that...Homeless...I am thankful that I have a Christian home, where I can go home to everyday and wrap my arms around them and tell them how much I love them and need them in my life (which I am also thankful for)..So, I want to say thank-you for everything yall do for me! But most importantly, I thank God for what he has blessed me with..{ (YES)..Somtimes...I take it all for granted..Ask yourself this question...
DON'T WE ALL ?
So, I know what I am thankful for and I have told you...
So a question to ask yourself... (dig really deep and set aside time). You will be amazed at what you will find....So, now are you ready..?On your mark...Get set...Here it is...Go!

What Am I Thankful For?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

"Disappointment"

What does it mean when friends disappoint you and let you down? Nothing...It just simply means they let you down..they can't take back what is already said and done..You can say your sorry until your blue in the face..but that doesn't change the fact that they made a mistake...There are better ways to get a point across than to tell it point blank to their face..I guess that is respectable..but it hurts none the less...Friends should think before they speak and plan what they will say..Do you know what it feels like for them to betray your trust..Issues that should only be between you two is displayed for the world to see. They say it was just to get another opinion..but that is bull crap..because it has to be said and dealt with either way..it is just other people all up in your business and in your face..That makes me irritated to the core..To know I can't trust them to keep our conversations and actions under safe lock and key..Why do people feel they have to let everyone know? I can't answer that because I have always been one on one..I guess a difference of opinion would help..but then I would feel like I am the one to blame..A simple apology doesn't do any justice because what was said is true and I will stick by it and hold my ground..So I can be tried faithful and true..I know this is the way it has to be..That is the only way to get over the mess I am in...It just hurts knowing your half to blame..But hey..what can you do? It is all said and done..Now, all we have are the pieces to pick up and try to glue together again..A new beginning of friendship that won't be as close, but that is better in the long run..Simply looking to the future..Now, in the present...Granted...it will hurt...When they say life is not easy..Now I know by experience... It is simply a looking glass...You see what you can't and will never have and I know it hurts....but what can you do? I guess I will stand here peering through...with my heart screaming love me as I do you...So, until someone shatters the glass...I will be here silent and waiting for that moment to pass.....

Hopeless

Wow is all I can say...I will give myself ten minutes to see if I can write what I feel now... So, lets see..here we go..on your mark get set....GO!We all having feelings of hopelessness..granted..even sometimes despair..But where does it stem from?..Maybe on some remote fear of loneliness..that we'll never have anyone to love and care for us..that will call us their own..A companion that would weather life's storms and still stand strong..And the best part..TOGETHER! I guess "the majority" are afraid of failure or rejection..those are the most common reasons given..But my personal belief is "Nothing Ventured Is Nothing Gained"! This holds true 90% of the time..If you never try then how will you know?? I love meeting new people..but there are boundaries that need to be set..I just worry of hurting people so much because I know how it feels..and it is not a pretty sight! People get hurt..that is a part of life..But to know that you hurt them (even if it is not on purpose)..How do you pick up and forgive yourself? Not anybody in their right mind wants to be second best..unless to God..that is a different story..We all want to feel appreciated and loved and just to know that someone wants to help carry the load of some of your burdens that you bury deep down inside..I am just being honest and real..I don't think this is wrong to feel this way..and you have your own opinion and I will not bash you for what you have to say..because that is your own free will and that is not in my character to do..For all who "truly" know me..If I make a PROMISE..I mean to keep it..that is the way I am..I don't put up a front..that is just me..and just another quality that I possess! I don't think I have to perform to act my best..I am naturally happy go lucky...and if you haven't noticed..Very RANDOM!.. But hey..I can live with that..can u?..I believe it keeps for interestin conversation..and that is one step closer in digging into a person's spiritual soul..that should live inside of each of us..But it is a matter of fact..We all are guilty at some point or another..of putting on a masquarde mask..If you think about it longer..That is only really lieing..to the world..but most importantly to yourself.. Just another mask of deception..All of this to cover our inner beings..Afraid to let go of the past..Afraid that it might repeat itself..Only causing only more heartache...That will not mend... All we can do is make a choice..Will I dwell in the past and constantly let that rule my life and dictact who I am today?..Or Simply choice to leave it at the foot of the cross and give him our pain...Only then will we be ready to move on..Face another day! Just waiting and praying on what God "FAITHFULLY" will bring!This is just some of my everyday thoughts..just floating around in mid air..waiting for someone that will give an ear and open mind and attend unto my cry..That longing of close, true, intimate friendship that will stand the tests of time..Only then will you know that is what God handed you... It is just meant to be!

Forgive/Forget Your Choice

You ask me what your purpose in life is?...How do I know..I can tell you what I think..but that would only be my opinion...So, you re-word your question and ask me well how do I find my purpose?..I simply tell you to look to God and read his holy word...
Only there will you find complete and utter happiness and feel like you don't have a care or worry..I often ask myself why do we care what others think of us..who are we trying to impress? We sometimes hide our true identies so others will accept us in their group of friends...But why do we care..is it because we want to feel accepted? Well, if that is the case, Jesus accepts us just as we are...why not try to impress him for a change...Give him that extra time everyday that we spend on the computer or watching tv or simply spending time with friends...Yes, our friends..the ones that say they will be here for you through thick and thin and sometimes they turn their back on you and call you names...So, a quick question to ask yourself why are they your friends? Do we really forgive and forget..or possibly we forgive..but it never goes away because we don't forget..So, what is the difference..I don't know..you tell me..? Can we really truly do both..does anyone really forget the way another person makes them feel? We can put it off in the back of our minds...but yet it still lingers..and sometimes when we sit down and reflect ..it comes floating back to the surface..Sometimes we let others influence the way we act and we let our boundaries down and let people in to see the real person that lives inside of you and me...This is when we are the most vulnerable...We wear our hearts on our sleeve..No wonder I don't blame the ones that are so bitter and try to shut everyone out... They feel like they can't trust anyone anymore...this is ashame...I know that the majority of the population are only out for themselves..they have lost that true human compassion...the helping outreached hand to fellow neighbors, friends, and family...So, I simply ask in despiration... When will we completely empty our hearts and all our burdens and give over to God and lay it at the foot of his cross? Only there will we find that we are completely free from all misery and he will reach down and pick us up and put us back on two feet and makes us truly complete!

"Pick Up Your Cross"

Thank-You so much..I am going through a tough time..but I keep it to myself..I love yall and I am sorry for everything..I am going home this weekend and coming to church (Lord-Willing) on Sunday..I need my home church family in Christ..I know yall have been on my side along and praying for me..or none of these events in my life would not be..there are so many..I can't begin to explain..I owe everything my life to God..The other night at our celebration worship service that we hold every Tuesday night..A missionary man came from the Phillipins..He told us not to pack our backpacks just for the fun of the trip..because that wears off when you have to make it rough..He said pick up your crosss and follow God daily..that is your whole purpose in life..

"TRUE FORGIVENESS CAN ONLY BE FOUND IN GOD"

Idle smiles what do they mean? I smile to make you think that nothing is wrong with me...If we are the "true" believing Christians we proclaim to be, then why do we as friends slander and smash each other around? What would our Lord and Savior have to say?(The ONE that died on that cross for YOU & ME)! Do you think he would be proud of our behaviors? We let the little comments get to us and eat us up inside..but why? We know deep down in our hearts that we all fall short of the glory of God and we all have our own flaws that only God knows..I guess it just hurts to know that instead of helping and encouraging each other everyday to strive to reach the mountain peak and serve our God together as brothers and sisters in Christ, we look around us to see if we can impress those worldly people that we surround ourselves with..We are not of the world..just in it..We all have a purpose..yet we do not seek it out..Instead, we laugh and point fingers to hide some of our insecurities that we bury deep down in the deepths of our minds..We play head games and let satan take control of our lives (he is the father of ALL LIES)!..satan has only as much control as we let him have over us..and it we don't stick together and help and be a living testimony to each other...then how do we survive? The head games that you and I play are getting to me and I can't go another day with all these emotions bottled up inside..Do we have nothing better to do than to sit and laugh at other people's expense and cause them more suffering than is necessary just because we don't have a clue who they really are and don't want to get to know the person as they really are..It is easier to make them appear and seem how you picture them to bein..Why don't we take the time to actually sit and quit acting so high and mighty!..Every one of us has problems and issues that need to be dealt with..but we act like we are higher than life! So, I simply ask you.. Are you to proud in spirit to admit your wrongdoings followed by a simple apology and let everything be and rest in the hands of God..what happened to our faith? We try to pick a speck out of our brothers eye, but yet we have a plank..does this ring a bell..So, my closing thought..I come with a humble heart and ask forgiveness for my sins..I put lay them down at the foot of the cross..satan no longer has his free will over me..God will lift us up and forgive us..if we only turn it completely over to him! This is all being brutally honest..and you and I both know it..I just accept and admit it..the question is..do you?

"A Best Friend For Life!"

We all have our up and downs...just a part of life that we all have to withstand
Man, it feels so good knowing everything is going to work out everything is in God's hands...I sit here riding in my best friend Christian's corvette.We are headed toward her house for the weekend..I can barely wait..girl time...alone..what fun! I can barely hear myself think over the loudness (roar of the motor) of my dream car!..I am so glad God that you have blessed me with a best friend for life! I am so glad I will have her to run too when the going gets tough... We meet in college at BCM (Baptist Campus Ministries) is what I can hear us saying in twenty years when we have our Godly families..I pray Lord now more than I ever have..Help us understand where we both come from (two worlds apart..but yet so close)..Teach,guide,and instruct us not to judge and bring each other down..Let our Yes be Yes and our No be No...Keep our minds and hearts guarded..where we won't have any thoughts of evil..For true friendship starts inside..taking that first step is hard..but I am willing to try..let my shield down and express what I truely feel inside..for I am just as lonely..but I know that I need someone to depend on that will not lead me into the darkness or lead me astray..A friend that is willing to guide me in the Lord's name! So, thank Lord for that friend that I have been waiting for..For I know that it is your will and there is nothing that compares to it in this world!

"Pressing On"

Yep...I am still up..it is 3:00 AM, I am still studying..I thought I would take a break..I have 2 major tests this morning (one in Intro to music at 9:15 and one in Western Civilization at 11:00).. I am stressing and worrying to much now...The words on this page are becoming blended and the walls seem to be closing in around me..The ceiling fan going round and round is not helping the situation any better..Nor this tiredness that I must over come! I wish I knew how other college kids survive..I am getting the "Fresh Man Blues" and I need some help to get organized and get my priorities straight before I come unglued. I have waited and longed for this opportunity to be the first to go to college on either side of my family for so long..But now I am here it is like I almost fear..I now know what it is like to want to grow wings and just take flight..That would be awesome to just not have a care in the world...Just to be free from all the misery that we store within and hold..So, I am making my first step now to be bold! I know I can do it..I am like the little engine that could..I have to start at the bottom and then work my way up.. and all will be good.I have to constantly remind myself (Yes, I know I am great) but everybody has two things in common..Their beginning and demise.. We all have to start somewhere..So, why not right where I stand? As long as I stay focused and pressing on toward the prize..then in the end I shall obtain and have my reward in full size..For all of you that truely know me, When I say I am going to do something, I mean and follow through with what I say..As long as it doesn't compromise my faith..I put my mind to a task and I stop at nothing until it is accomplished..I will talk and express so more later..Have a great day! God Bless, Brittney

Life

Wow! That pretty much explains me now for so many reasons...I just can't put in words what I feel... But I guess I can try...Have you ever felt like you wanted to freeze time? So, take a moment now and stop what you are doing... Use this time to reflect. Go back to a time when you were at your happiest -where you didn't have a care in the world...Think about it- You were actually free! Now, compare it to what you have now..NO TIME! We now know that the grass is not greener on the other side, it just looked that way! So, quick question to ask yourself..Would you trade what you have now for what you had in the past? I know I would...Life was so much simplier..So innocent...Just learning and not worrying all the time! Sometimes I feel like I am the only one like me..NoOne understands where I come from...good thing...because I feel like right now in my life I am just an object of affection where I am sitting in a crowded room being displayed and all of these people are running after me,staring,pointing fingers(trying to find an easy exit when the going gets tough) and most importantly judging me...But Why? I am just like them on the inside..We all need companionship to help build,motivate, and encourage us to make our stand for God! Nowadays, everyone is caught up in all the worldy pleasures and trying to please the world(and themselves..selfish desires of the flesh) and they care what others think too much..When will we learn just to be ourselves? I always find that when I am myself... Others just bring me down because I don't live up to "their standards" of what a person should be..Well, I will continue to be me(nothing more and nothing less)! This is what I have to offer(The many undiscovered layers of God's transident riches that he has blessed my soul with)! I know God will show me the path to take,so I can live and praise his holy name...Because honestly only he knows what I truely feel..He looks inside of me..And I pray that he will clear my mind and make it as clear and separate as night and day..So my Yes can be Yes and my No can be No! Thanks for reading... I had so much bottled up inside and more..but I have 2 tests to study for and this is getting long...God Bless,A Friend In Christ, Brittney Savannah Hope Mathis